Osama Bin Laden is dead.

Let me tell you something about Osama Bin Laden... We used to be best friends in Muslim school. I know, right? It's so embarrassing I don't even... whatever. So then, in the eighth grade, I started working on my first bomb-- which was totally amazing but then it got praised and was shipped to America-- and Osama was, like, weirdly jealous of me. Like, if I blew him off to work on my bomb, he'd be like, "Why didn't you write me back?" and I would be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?" So then for my birthday party, which was an all turban camel ride party, I was like, "Osama, I can't invite you because I think you're a Christian." I mean, I couldn't have a Christian at my party. There were going to be Muslims there in their turbans! I mean, right? He was a Christian! So then, his mom messaged my mom and was yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then he dropped out of school because no one would talk to him and he came back in the fall and all his beard was cut off and he was, like, weirdly paranoid. And now I guess he's dead.